Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Fine Dining

"Well, I have no sympathy for you," she scolded, "You've brought it on yourself. I have told you over and over again that trying to eat that much meat was bad for your health, but would you listen..."

He grasped his stomach and winced, silently.

He should have known better than hope for any sympathy from her. It was, he supposed, mainly his fault. He wouldn't have said anything at all, but the dreadful noise had alerted her to the fact that something was amiss. She had gone outside to find him curled up in agony on the floor. Now, as well as the dreadful pain in his belly, he had to listen to her rant.

He looked at her. Her loose fitting, green dress hung just above her knees, showing off her thick set, hairy calves. She was barefoot, as always, and he admired each massive, hammer like toe as she paced backwards and forwards in front of him. 

"Portion size!" she screeched, jabbing him in the arm with one of her stubby fingers. "Portion size! I'm always telling you about portion size. If you'd just eaten sensibly none of this would have happened. Why do you always have to be so greedy?"

"Well..." he began, but his voice quickly trailed off as he caught sight of her thick black eyebrows being raised dangerously towards the fuzzy thatch of jet black hair that framed her podgy face. This was not the time for explanations, he realised. It had seemed like a perfectly reasonably course of action at the time. The arguments had been very persuasive. However, as he was now lying on the floor in agony, he could see why his wife would be unwilling to accept his attempts at justification.

"And don't give me any of that 'they talked me into it' nonsense," she continued, "I know what you're like. I heard them just as well as you did. The difference is I didn't have to go chasing after them, did I? You could have just ignored them and let them go on their way, but OH NO! you had to be Mr. Big didn't you?" 

"Ignored them? You're the one who told me to go and put a stop to all that 'trip trapping' on the roof," he argued.

"Well I just meant go and growl at them or something. You always take things too far. Your eyes are bigger than your belly - and that's saying something."

She tutted, loudly and rolled her huge green eyes. They seemed to sparkle even more brightly than the first time they had met. Perhaps it was the large black rings around them that made them stand out more. Perhaps it was because she was so furious. Whatever the reason, he could hardly take his eyes off them. 

He felt the pain easing slightly. He was starting to get some wind back into his lungs. Easing himself gently back onto his feet, he walked slowly towards her and planted a soft kiss on the end of her long, wart speckled nose. 

"Sorry," he whispered into her cavernous ear.

He looked at her, still grimacing a little, and she softened. She playfully punched him on the shoulder and a grin spread across her face, showing all four of her wonky teeth.

"Idiot," she scoffed, more gently.

"I know," he conceded. "But you must admit, it did sound like a good offer."

"Not really," she said, looking at the floor.

"Liar!" he replied, giving her a gentle dig in her podgy belly. 

"Well, perhaps it was a little tempting, but if you'd just gone and eaten the first one you wouldn't have ended up rolling around on the floor in agony, would you?"

He thought about telling her that he had just been caught a little off guard by the size of the third offering. The first meal had certainly been too small. The second one was perhaps the one he should have chosen, but the thought of that third one had caught his imagination. Of course he could have managed it if he had been ready. 

"I'll get them next time," he said, defiantly.

"Of course you will," she said, sighing, "Now, how would you like me to make you a nice dinner to make you feel better?" she asked.

"That would be nice," he said, gratefully, "What have we got?"

"Well, there's a nice piece of goat in the fridge," she said, chuckling to herself.

He looked ruefully at the two large, horn shaped bruises that were starting to appear through the thick hair on his belly.

"Perhaps just a salad for me today," he groaned.

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